slacker checking in!

Been way too long since i have checked in here. i always was slack at updating my blog...probably why i stopped doing it for a year or more :)
the kids are just starting their second week of school holidays. so far so good. i have been working here and there so luckily my dad has helped out taking care of them for me. They try his last nerve i am sure but he doesnt complain.
yesterday we went to a local beach with my best friend and her kids. even though it was really cold the kids still swam in the ocean. here i am shivering with two jumpers on and they are swimming!!!! thats kids for you.
We have been doing something most days even if just out for a couple of hours to stop them getting too bored. We went to see Bridge to Terabithia last week and i had forgotten the ending even though i read the book at school..we all liked it even if it ended up quite sad. Riles is keen to see Transformers and Cait and i are going to see The Nancy Drew movie. i remember loving those books as a kid..those and Trixie Belden mysteries were my favourites.
My new gym has been open for a week now and i am loving it..i did 6 classes in the first week so i guess i liked it?????
i did my first spin class yesterday and was nervy about it but it ended up being torture but i loved it. hoping to get back there tonight for another go at it so it mustnt have been too bad. i do know that the seats take some serious getting used to..parts of my anatomy i wont mention are pretty sore today!
i am have some housecleaning to do so i better get to it.
hugs bell

time flies when you are having fun!

I was just reading at a friend's blog and it reminded me that it has been a while since i have updated here. i keep another journal at a diet website so sometimes i forget about updating at both spots :)
Not a lot has been going on in my life since i last updated. we finally got some rain which was a welcome relief even if it did come on the day when Riles class was supposed to go on a field trip. We got 24 hours of solid rain which is the most rain we have had in over 3 years. that goes to show how bad the drought situation is her in Australia at the moment!
i have been feeling yuk the last few days. havent felt up to going to the gym which means that i really must be feeling bad because not much stops me from my gym classes. i ended up going yesterday and doing STEP and made it through the class. i did come home and sleep for 2 hours afterwards though so i think i zapped my energy reserves for sure.
Cait went to a local dance last night with 6 of her friends. she had a ball and danced the night away no doubt. Riles and i went to see the latest Shrek movie and loved it. the Shrek movies are easily my favourite of all the kids movies. i love them, especially because they always have good messages in them about kids loving themselves and accpeting others etc.
I have 4 days at work starting this afternoon. hopefully i can make it through them and that this sick feeling passes soon.
hugs bell :)

autism

Today i happened to be home when Oprah was on. it was strange because i am normally up at the school reading today but wasnt needed as the kids had other stuff on. the show was on Autism- i guess i was supposed to see it as i was home when i normally would not have been.
It was absolutely heart breaking. i cried and sobbed throughout the show. i felt so much empathy for those parents who really only wanted understanding and for people not to judge them or their kids. It made me feel like a fraud in some respects when i am have a bad day and get frustrated and think why me with Riley and his autism. But it gave me some real insight into just how lucky we really are. For the people on this show have so many more trials than me to get through. For many of them their children cannot speak at all, they cannot attend mainstream schools etc.
So much of their feelings however mirrored my own. the part that struck me most was the older brother of an autistic boy. he was 11 and his brother 10. the 11 year old expressed sadness and resentment yet unbelievable loyalty towards his brother. He spoke so eloquently about just wanting to have a " normal" family about not being second all the time after his brother. it struck a chord with my own situation. i worry a lot about how riley's disability limits what we do in some ways about how indeed it is easy to not give cait as much attention as she probably deserves. its never an intentional thing but inevitably sometimes it does happen.
a lot of the show was distressing but there were some wonderful parts too. one mother spoke about how her autistic daughter loved her unconditionally whatever she did. thats so true. Riley is one of the most loving children ever. yes he can ne frustrating too but i wouldnt want him any other way.if i had a choice i wouldnt change the diagnosis.that is part of who he is and we are blessed to have two beautiful children!
hugs bell :)

saying thank you

Often in our everyday lives its easy to get so caught up in what we are doing that we never stop to acknowledge people who we probably should. On the weekend i had a lady come up to me and say thank you for taking such wonderful care of her mother. it made me realise how good it makes someone feel to just get that recognition and thanks. it isnt hard to do and it doesnt take long either. many times at work we have relatives complaining at what we didnt do rather than ever saying thank you for what we have done. sure everyone has the right to complain but its equally as easy to show gratitude too.
i am going to make a special effort to thank some people this week just to give them some recognition and let them know that they are appreciated.
on a similar note one of the boys i have been helping with his reading at school has improved so much he doesnt need m help anymore which is wonderful. His mum is actually one of the instructors at my gym and she was so proud telling me about it today. it made me feel good to knowing that the extra help has boosted his confidence and made him come along so much. so next week when i go i will have a different girl or boy to start afresh with.
well need to get onto this mountain of housework.
hugs bell :)

if only money grew on trees!

When i told the kids i was going to work on the weekend , cait asked me if i had to go couldnt i stay home with them. Once i sat down and pointed out all the activities she does and the times we do things on the weekend and when we go to the movies etc that my work pays for all of that she didnt persevere with the conversation :)
i get better money on the weekend with penatly rates and i dont need to get someone else to pick the kids up or take them to school etc so weekends are the times when extra shifts get done more often than not..but it is frustrating to have to give up that precious weekend time definately!
work has been stressful this weekend. by the end of my 4 days i could easily book myself a bed in the dementia unit. with all the yelling and acting out its like looking after kids sometimes and by the end of the day my patience is worn thin. its this fact that makes me realise i need to change careers. i am approaching burn out without a doubt and i dont want to get to that point. thank goodness my course starts soon and i will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel!
just tomorrow and then 2 days off. working an extra shift on friday so that i can enjoy my weekend home with Jas and the kids.
i am beat and am heading to bed.
hugs bell :)

State Of Origin

State of Origin is a football series here in Australia. Its a series of three games between the state i live in now (Queensland) and the state i was born in (New South Wales). Even though i have lived here for over 15 years i still support NSW..therfore it makes me most unpopular come this time of year when i have my blue balloons and streamers out the front of the house when the rest of the street has their red ones flying..oh well..other than one person yelling out that i am a traitor havent heard much so far..i give as good as i get though so i am not worried..and if and when my team wins tonight i will rub their faces in it tomorrow!!!!!
i have had a good day today..went to body combat this morning..it is a hardcore martial arts type class.loads of kicking and punching..very good for releasing stress thats for sure. people might not like to think what is going through my head throughout the class though...people who have ticked me off feature prominently in my thoughts when i am kicking and punching :)
i went up to the kids school and did my reading support with 4 kids. it was lovely.i realy enjoy seeing them improve each week and letting them choose a cool sticker when they are done. i asked the kids last week what type of things they like so i could find some stickers for them..the girls came back with fairies and hearts etc the boys however told me horror type stickers.. i tried to explain that i didnt think mum would like them coming home with a horror sticker plastered on their uniform front. yet every week they ask me if i have found any yet!!!!!
I have no doubt that teachers have a very challenging job to do and i am certain that i dont have the patience for it on a fulltime basis but the teacher that takes the kids i read to is forever yelling at them and making derogatory comments to them which i find very hard to take. These kids are only 6-7 and they really dont need to be put down constantly and berated for the smallest things. seems to be a regular thing for this teacher who is a substitute. worries me and i thank the lord she isnt taking Riley's class thats for sure.
Rileys aide at school came to find me today to tell me how proud she was of Riley for apologising to her last week for not listening and being silly on one particular day. Once upon a time Riley was immune to others feelings completely. now he realises that every action has a reaction and it is a big thing for him to be more in tune with hurting someone elses feelings and he has really grown into such a caring person. i think he sees that trait in his sister too and it rubs off on him.
Poor Cait is sick with a cold at the moment. i suspect we may not be going to school tomorrow due to it..will see how she is feeling. wonder if little brother will try and get the day off too???
hugs bell :)

Meeting with the teacher

i meant to say before that we finally got our meeting with Riley's teacher and the special ed co-ordinator this week. i was kind of dreading it as Jason was so angry about the whole thing and i was upset..the last thing i wanted to do was to either get upset or angry and make things worse for Riley.
The main bone of contention i had was that the teachers werent letting Riley progress through the reading levels because he was having trouble retelling the story he had read or answering some of the questions. he reads really well and doesnt sound words out. he reads fluently and easily. Kids who have lots of trouble and sound out every word and take forever to read a book but can retell it were allowed to go up. i didnt think that was fair and suggested a way that i use at home to test Rileys comprehension. On the day of the meeting they tested him again using this method and he progressed 5 levels that day!!!! i dont know whether they did it to smooth things out with me or to shut me up..but needless to say that wasnt an issue anymore.
The teacher was very supportive and not defensive at all. Jason and i both kept calm and simply stated that we had high expectations for Riley regardless of his diagnosis. we didnt see the diagnosis as a reason to not expect him to do as the other kids do. that if he doesnt finish something to send it home and i will do it with him. i think we got our point across and i admit i was probably not in the right on thinking she didnt have high expectations for Riley. but i do feel like now we are on the same page and my mind is eased about my earlier concerns.
not to say that i wont be having another meeting if need be. i feel like we know our son best and we are his best advocate.
hugs bell :)

arrived at last!

I have been waiting for the enrolment info to turn up for my teachers aide course for about 2 months now..feels like an eternity..well just when i was lookign at other places to do it through the info finally arrived yesterday!!!
it arrived on the 16th and all the enrolment paperwork and payment etc has to be recieved by the 18th to start in the next couple of weeks. i am sure they left it as late as possible so that people wouldnt be able to start til July. so July it is for me. The enrolment stuff includes police checks and having documents witnessed etc so there is no way i can get it done in one day and then posted to them.
Thats ok though- at least the ball is rolling. i got the police stuff done this morning after PUMP. i will send that off this afternoon and then i need to work out which subjects i want to take and how many i will be able to manage while still working. The written work wont be the problem it will be getting the practical hours in at school around my current work at the nursing home..but even with that hassle i am really excited to be starting something new..something that will challenge me and hopefully open up new opportunites career wise.
not much else going on. made it through my 4 days at work. TOM arrived at the same time which made me tired and crampy and just wishing i could stay in bed. Mothers Day was spent at work and the afternoon i came home to the kids who had made signs saying Happy Mothers Day which were stuck all over the house. I really am lucky to have such a gorgeous family. We went for dinner at my mum and dads place and even though i was tired it was still great to see them and catch up.
i am going out for dinner tonight with 3 maybe 4 of my girlfriends. we always have a great time laughing and filling each other in on whats been going on in our lives. one of them is single so she usually regales us with tales of her dating woes and the rest of us seem happy we dont have to go through all that anymore.
off to get some housework done and work out what i am going to wear to this soiree tonight with my GF's.
hugs bell :)

ramblings

Where i work it is a secure dementia area. Before starting with this company/ home i had never worked in a dementia specific area before. i didnt know if it would be for me but now i cant imagine working in any other area in the nursing home.
For the most part dementia is harder on those left to witness the person who has it. I have told many people that i would happily be that little lady who remains some 50 years in the past..she is happy and gorgeously unaware of her surroundings and content with her life. that may be hard for some people to understand but many of the " oldies" (dont mean that disrespectfully) that i care for with dementia arent ill with cancer or particularly frail but more confused and therefore needing care and help with daily living.
The sadness comes when their family comes in to visit and the person doesnt recognise them or is acting in a way thats not typical of the person they were before the dementia took hold. i feel sad when i see their loss as this person who remains is a shell of the person who gave birth to them, or rocked them to sleep etc.
When i was going home the other day from work one of my favourite residents told me that i was a very lucky person to be going home. She is right, i am lucky to have my independance, i can come and go as i please, i can go to bed when i want, i can have what i want to eat no matter how silly my choices may seem to some people.
Even the best nursing home with the most up to date attitudes still have a long way to go in my opinion. can you imagine what its like to give up just about everything you have come to know as your life when you come into a nursing home..that must be horrible and something that we cant really comprehend i dont think.
on days where i am whining about one thing or another i am going to remind myself of just how lucky i really am!
hugs bell :)

family celebrations and family dynamics

have had an uneventful couple of days, hence the lack of posts since the weekend.
My weekdays are either spent at work or hitting the gym and then house cleaning type stuff or catching up with friends. Hopefully soon they will be spent with some study and practical hours at the kids school. i am getting frustrated with the lack of info and enrolment stuff coming out of the place i am looking to do my teachers aide course through. There are other places doing the course but they dont offer the disability electives. i am thinking that helping kids with specific learning needs will be my niche which is why i am holding out for this institute. but if they keep stuffing me around i will go elsewhere because i am sick of waiting around watching the year pass me by!
Yesterday was Jason's bday and he had a mixed day. He started out having to leave for work at 5am and mid morning got pulled over by the police and fined $220 for not wearing a seatbelt. silly boy didnt think he had to wear one ashe is getting in and out of the truck all day..alas it was not the case..not much of a bday present really!
Last night we went out for dinner with Jas's brother and dad and step mum and my parents. we had a great night. the place we went to has a kids room so the kids always have a blast there and they can play while we eat and chat etc. Even though we had a great night it always reminds me that all the family cant be together which makes me sad. either Jason's mum or dad are absent at every family gathering because they dont get along. its sad when they cant put their differences aside for even one night for their son. one party will and one wont which is sad really. i know all families have their dramas but this one is ongoing and still pisses me off..my kids are just old enough now that they are aware of the tension and the fact that one doesnt like the other. its hard to try and explain to a 7 and 9 year old why their grandparents cant stand on another when i dont really understand it myself.
The kids have a mothers day liturgy on tomorrow morning at their school. they sing songs and basically tell all the mums how much we mean to them. it usually involves me crying at one point or another because i am a huge baby :)
hugs bell :)

Monster Truck Mayhem!

Last night we took the kids to see a Monster Truck rally at a local speedway. It was fabulous fun and we all had a great time. I remember the first time we took Riley he was overwhelmed by the noise of the car racing and when the fireworks started he felt like we were about to spontaneously combust and that the fireworks would ignite the whole stadium. The good thing about Riles is that he is frightened of something until he realises its nothing to worry about. so i had reminded him how last time he enjoyed the fireworks once they started and that they werent scary at all!
we had a great time. As well as the monster trucks there was a jet van which the kids reckoned was like a rocket ship on wheels. it felt like a giant heater as it drove past us with a 6 foot gas flame flying out the back. Cait thought that the fireworks were the high point of the night. much better than the last time we went went for a lot longer and was beautiful. They had a new monster truck this year called Batman so for a superhero freak like Riles that was definately the highlight. i am sure he thought Batman was in there driving it, luckily he couldnt see the driver as i think he may have been disappointed :)
By the time we got home it was quite late so the kids and i slept in til late this morning. i had planned to go to the gym but am giving myself the weekend off from the gym. i lay in bed instead and read the paper- everyone deserves a break now and again. Cait and i ended up taking Casper our Jack Russell for a walk/ run..it always ends up a walk with him esp when Cait is riding her bike so he wants to catch up with her. so that means Mum ends up running too..not altogether bad though!
Not sure what the rest of the day holds. be back later.
hugs bell :)

on a more positive note!

This weekend is a long weekend here and i have it off from work as well which is a bonus. Needless to say work will no doubt be ringing me trying to get me to come in. they either have a lot of people off sick lately or no staff to fill in one or the other. a lot of people dont like to work in the secure dementia unit either so that makes it hard when they have shifts to fill.
Tomorrow night we are taking the kids to see the Monster Trucks at a speedway near our house. we are all looking forward to it. we went to see some car racing there not long ago so Riley should be used to the noise and fireworks this time.
i have gotten 3 sessions in at the gym this week already but i may subject my muscles to a little more torture tomorrow morning at my weights class (PUMP). Exercise has definately been the key for me in keeping my weight off plus i find it does wonders for my mood. the whole thing about endorphins being a natural antidepressant is so true for me. When i am exercising i feel good about myself, i feel strong and in control..give me a week of no gym if i am sick and i am feeling like a huge, disgusting blob.. plus when i exercise i always eat better because i dont want to waste all that hard work!
i feel better about the whole Riley situation because i spoke at length today with the special ed co-ordinator. Jason had spoken to her about our concerns and i elaborated on them and felt like she understood where i was coming from. She is going to speak to his teacher and then schedule a meeting for next week with all of is together.
well need to get some dinner organised. its McDonalds night for Jason and the kids so mum needs to dig out something healthy so i dont indulge in the fatty haven that is the Golden arches!
hugs bell :)

back to blogging

i keep a journal at a diet site i belong to but i thought it would do me some good to start blogging again. even if its only to keep me sane and to get out all the stuff that i normally keep bottled up inside.
my frustrations usually arise from one of a few areas:
1. my constant struggle to keep off the weight that i lost 7 years ago..7 years to keep off 50 pounds is a good effort but its still a battle and many days that makes me as resentful as all heck. why cant the hard work be over when you reach goal? for me the hard work started after i lost the weight and it continues.
so some days i will more than likely rant about the fact that life is unfair and why can some people eat whatever they like and remain like a stick insect where as i only need to look at the wrong food to gain weight.
2. my work- i work in a nursing home in the secure dementia wing. its certainly not for everybody but i like it there..i like it there as opposed to working in the other part of the nursing home where people have their faculties more..i find that when you are more with it you tend to ring the call bell relentlessly and be less able to accept that indeed i have 17 other people to attend to as well as you. In the dementia area they are more inclined to just go with the flow and not be aware that the call bell is there let alone what it is for. i find dealing with the oldies good for the most part, many of them are like surrogate grandparents to me seeing as my own have long gone. Some days it is hard especially when they die, i still find that hard mainly because i do let them become part of my life. i dont believe in staying detached from them. i talk to them about my family, my kids, what i do on the weekends etc. i know their childrens names and like to hear them tell stories about their lives and what they did when they were younger etc. for many of them they just want someone to be interested in them and i find you can learn so much from listening to them.
but back to why there may be some rants about work. i deal with many co-workers who are burnt out..that should have left this industry years ago. i find them frustrating and struggle to get along with them at times. i dont like the production line way of working..treating them like sheep waiting to be dipped..they are people and should be treated that way. we are privileged to work where they live and need to remember that.
3. my kids - i have 2 wonderful kids.
Cait will be 10 in July. she is a real social butterfly. she is growing up so fast and i am starting to get that panicky feeling about my little girl notbeing so little anymore and wondering where the years have gone. Caitlin is a beautiful and caring big sister to her brother who has some special needs and i only have to watch them together to know that Riley is really blessed to have been sent such a loving, patient and accepting sister.
Riley is 7 and has Apserger's syndrome which is a form of autism. The Asperger's doesnt overly affect us as a family unit but outside of the family and especially school its sometimes a source of frustration. Riles is a gorgeous, caring and very loving kid. He gets easily frustrated (just like his mum) has many wonderful friends at school and is well liked by everyone around him. He definately goes through phases with his obsessions with things ( a true Apserger's trait) at the moment it is Spiderman although TMNT and Batman are right up there.
i have days (today is one of them) where i resent the diagnosis as i feel it labels him for life and he is sometimes treated a certain way because of the Asperger's. i believe that ASD or not that he can and will achieve whatever he sets his mind to. not to say the journey will be easy but Jason and i dont want the ASD to be an excuse to not set goals and aim for what you want to achieve.
at the moment i am having some struggles with his teacher.. she has dealt with kids on the spectrum and has a i know all about it manner. i dont believe that Riley fits the mold of ASD in some regards and hence i dont want him have his expectations lowered because of it. He has just as much chance as the next kid at being able to do a task in class..just because he has ASD dont stop him from trying..dont stifle him i suppose is what i am saying.
what a long, ranting first post this is at a new blog. i promise i wont always blab on negatively..just needed to vent this today.
hugs bell :)